


Hot and Cold

by enbylino



Series: projecting onto my faves [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Body Image, Disordered Eating, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Hurt No Comfort, Kind of a drabble, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, character study kinda, projecting onto jisung, the tense changes quite a bit sorry, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26835499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enbylino/pseuds/enbylino
Summary: Jisung is always too hot or too cold, one extreme to the other, its exhausting.
Series: projecting onto my faves [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951654
Kudos: 64





	Hot and Cold

**Author's Note:**

> Hii just wanted to TW for kind of graphic descriptions of eating disorders with like starvation and purging and stuff, if any of that triggers you please don't read this

Jisung is very much a black or white kind of person. He doesn’t really like nor does he understand grey areas in life, he feels like he reflects that in his personality. In conversations with other members he rambles on and on in an attempt to free the jumbled thoughts in his brain, only to wear himself out 15 minutes later and go quiet.

“Ah, Jisungie, please be quiet.” The member he’d be talking to would eventually say, fingers massaging their temples. Jisung would mumble a soft sorry and retreat to his room.

His hot and cold nature popped up in other forms, some noticeable to only Jisung himself. His cheeks and face were too round, his features soft, yet his collarbones felt sharp and his hipbones dug uncomfortably when he tried to sleep at night, yet they weren’t visible to them when they looked in the mirror.

Jisung splashes water on his face in an attempt to wake himself up, his eyes blurry with sleep from the night before. He’s up early, he always gets up early. He likes the silence the house has in the morning before everyone else wakes up. He tiptoes to the kitchen and grabs an apple from the fridge, sighing when he spots a small bruise on one side of the fruit.

And then, glancing around, he pulls out a bowl and pours a minuscule amount of cereal into it, splashing some milk in after. He swirls the milky cereal mix around in the bowl before heading over to the sink and draining some of the milk out, leaving soggy cereal in a puddle of milk. He leaves the bowl next to the sink, placing a spoon in and submerging it to make it appear like he had enjoyed a nice bowl of Cheerios. He knows that its unnecessary and all in all wasteful, but he doesn’t want Chan and Minho hyung breathing down his neck for only having an apple for breakfast.

Biting the apple he wonders if those dumb appetite suppressant subliminal videos are working or not, his stomach gurgles in response, and he throws the half-eaten apple in the bin. Granny smith apples aren’t his favourite anyway.

And maybe he continues like this, skipping meals and making excuses, it’s a hell of a lot easier to do as an idol than it was for him to do back in Malaysia with his parents constantly on his back. All he needs is to lose a few kilos and then he can eat happily, then he can be happy.

_~~And maybe he’ll be able to look in the mirror without wanting to cry for once.~~ _

But with the hot comes the cold, and as soon as Jisung finds himself losing weight he snaps, his self-control with food is fucked at this point. He realises he’s been eating too much when he’s out for dinner with the rest of Stray Kids, and while he goes to place another dumpling on his loaded plate he hears someone mutter “pig” under their breath. He freezes, before registering that it was supposed to be a joke and if he doesn’t react there’ll be concern.

So he laughs and says, “And what about it?” with a mouthful of food he so desperately wants to spit back out.

_~~His face looks so fat with his cheeks filled with food, they must think he’s disgusting-~~ _

He excuses himself to the bathroom soon after. Glancing at the toilet bowl he grimaces, truth be told, he’s really shit at purging. In all honesty he knows that’s probably a good thing considering the dangers that come with bulimia, however when he feels so bloated he might die he really wishes throwing up came easier to him as he gags on two of his fingers. There are tears in his eyes as he manages to get some of his dinner back up, Jesus, so much effort for so little fucking food to come up. He tries again and gets the same result. He pulls his hand away from his mouth and grimaces at the weirdly stretchy spit that comes with it.

“For fucks sake.” He mutters darkly, wiping his hand on some toilet paper before flushing the evidence of his failed purge down the drain. He’ll just have to deal with the inevitable weight gain and try not to break down when he weighs himself in the morning.

(Try as he might, he breaks down regardless.)


End file.
